The Paprikka

Google Crashes Comcast Stock By Announcing Google TiSP Division

A.P. — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:01:13 +0000

Mountain View, CA-Google has brought on a major trauma in the ISP industry by announcing its official launch of the Google TiSP division. Google TiSP is a free high-speed broadband access service using existing plumbing infrastructure in the customers’ homes. Originally an April’s Fool joke, Google TiSP had gained worldwide reputation for being revolutionary in theory but hilariously stupid in practice. However, technology has evolved so much in the last three years that it has become technologically feasible to make Google TiSP a reality.

“This is one of the greatest advances in the history of internet,” said Stephen Prashner, the newly-appointed head of the Google TiSP division. “Our services will bring a free, high-speed internet to literally everyone with a toilet in their homes.”

Although TiSP has been met with some skepticism, the idea of a widely-available free broadband internet has crashed several ISP’s stocks, most notably Comcast. Comcast stocks, which were selling for about $15 a stock, has crashed to the value it deserves, namely about $0.15 per stock.

Google is no newcomer to crashing other companies’ stocks. Earlier this year, with the launch of Android 2.0 and its free turn-by-turn navigation system, Google made a significant dent to Garmin and TomTom’s stocks.

It will be interesting to see what other kinds of smelly but free ideas Google will be able to cook up in their fortress in Mountain View, California.

In other news, plumbers around the U.S. are worried that they will now have to learn skill in broadband installation following the announcement of the Google TiSP division.

Kanye Confirms Plans to Appear at Peace Prize Ceremony

A.P. — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:28:43 +0000

New York, NY – It is official: popular rapper Kanye West has confirmed his plans to appear at the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony at Oslo in December. Kanye, under much criticism for his spontaneous disruption at the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this year, where he went up on stage and made clear his disappointment when Taylor Swift, not Beyonce, won the prize, is unfazed and plans to make himself be even more widely recognized by disrupting the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony.

“You know this was a bullsh*t award,” said Kanye to The Paprikka, “Just like Taylor winning that award was bullsh*t. When I think something is bullsh*t, I tell everyone what I exactly think: that it’s bullsh*t!”

Kanye later apologized for using bullsh*t so many times and not using any rhymes in our interview.

Kanye also was grancious enough to share with us the exact wording of his outburst in Oslo.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna go up and be like ‘Yo! Obama, I’m happy for you, and Ima let you finish, but Yasser Arafat has the most bullsh*t Peace Prize of the century,’ and all the people are gonna be like ’sheeeet did he just say that?’” said Kanye.

Following this announcement, the officials in Oslo are preparing for the worst.

“We are getting ready for anything,” said an official in the town hall, asking to be anonymous. “I mean, President Obama could start crying, right there! Or, someone could throw a shoe at Kanye, just like what the Iraqi journalist did to President Bush, and miss and hit President Obama! We must be ready for everything.”

As tension rises, the world awaits to see what will happen on this faithful day.

In other news, Kanye West has reportedly decided to go spend a month in India to meditate and become a calmer person.

Disclaimer: The above post does not necessarily reflect the author’s views. The author does not think the award was bullsh*t (although maybe premature), and would like to extend his congratulations to President Obama.

Wal-Mart Releases Its Newest Advertising Technique

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:52:13 +0000

Bentonville, AR – Wal-Mart today showed why it is such a successful corporation by offering—for the first time in history—an innovative moneymaking option that will advertise Wal-Mart to anyone engaging in conversations with these people. “In this economy, this gives Wal-Mart a chance to give the public an easy option to make those few extra dollars to keep their checkbooks balanced, while benefiting from an increased awareness of Wal-Mart,” the public relations director of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. told us. The way it works is quite simple. Anyone that signs up for this program must attach a bug, similar to the ones used to spy on people, to their body and keep it with them at all times to get credit for their work. At any point in their conversations, he may call out, “Brought to you by Wal-Mart,” and he will get 25 cent store credit, usable immediately. Although this seems like an easy way to make some easy money, its onset has brought on a multitude of criticisms. Some criticize that since you may only use the money as store credit, this simply a way to make customers come to Wal-Mart and only Wal-Mart. Some say that strict rules on getting credit for saying “Brought to you by Wal-Mart” such as the “160 second rule,” which states that you may only credit for it every 160 seconds, and another rule that states vaguely that you have to be in an active conversation to get credit may discourage customers enrolled in the program from benefitting from the program. Nevertheless, there are strong advocates for the program. “I love this program, I love Wal-Mart,” says a St. Stephen’s student Jay Sheth. “I love how I can get free money for saying… [Alarm Beeps] Oh, that’s my alarm to let me know 160 seconds have passed. Brought to you by Wal-Mart.” Although it may seem that Wal-Mart is doing a favor to those of us who are squeezing to make every dollar count, it will be apparent what a high cost Wal-Mart is causing our economy with its low prices.

In other news, there have been rumors that ExxonMobil is planning to counterbid Wal-Mart’s bid to acquire the SEC to avoid any more difficulties in dominating the world.

Americans Being Overcharged For Porn, Study Shows

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:51:38 +0000

Tokyo, Japan – A recent controversial study shows that due to the slow speeds and high prices of “high-speed” internet in America, the American youth are actually being overcharged for porn. A recent study done by the American Institute for personal Gratification, AIG for short, it shows that a normal youth in the ages between 18 and 26 has approximately 20 minutes a day to spend on watching pornography on average. In the more “internetically” developed parts of the world, such as South Korea and Japan, customers enjoy speeds of 100Mbps or 1Gbps. In simpler terms, if the user wants to download an exotic video with the quality of 512Kbps, which would be slightly less clear than a normal TV service, a user with a 100Mbps (costing about $30/month) internet would be able to download 200 seconds of such video in just one second, while the more fortunate user with 1Gbps (costing about $56.50) internet would be able to download 2,048 seconds of the video in one second. Meanwhile, Americans using Road Runner will have to pay $34.95 per month, bundled with other offers, to get a meager 5Mbps, max. With Road Runner, the American youth can only download 8 seconds of such video in one second. Because of the simple fact that it takes Americans longer to download such content from the internet, and due to the limited time allotted to the busy youth, it means that Americans are being overcharged over 20 times in comparison to the youth in Korea and Japan. “This is unacceptable, and I hope the Federal Government does something about it to stop overcharging for an inalienable right of the American youth,” said the Director of AIG.

In other news, statistics show 69% of the users using GOM Player, a popular Korean video player, has been found to be using it to watch porn, while 15% use it to watch Starcraft matches.

Google Buys CIA, In Bid for FBI

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:50:50 +0000

Mountain View, CA – Google Inc. has amazed the humankind by finalizing a deal that will see Google become the most intelligent private organization in the world by completing the takeover of the Central Intelligence Agency, while simultaneously pursuing its desires to acquire the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Also, rumors say that should the Federal Government intervene, fearing violation of anti-trust laws, Google plans to buy out the government as well. Mr. Schmidt, the Chief Executive Officer of Google Inc., refused to comment on this momentous occasion, fearing more controversy. However, a former member of the board, who resigned while dissenting with the decision, released some more information about what this takeover could mean. “This will completely change the future of humankind,” she said. “Google is innately a search engine company—of course it won’t keep the information for itself! On the contrary, Google will list all, and I mean all, of the intelligence gathered by the CIA and FBI on the internet.” In short, there will be changes on Google’s current web site; in addition to sections such as Web, Images, and Map, there will be a new section—first to be introduced in “Google Labs,” its way of trying out new features—called “Intelligence.” Already, the news of this move has created both excitement and fear. “I’m tremendously excited, because I’ve always believed that our government had already made contact with extraterrestrial life, with the Area 51 and anti-matter propulsion drive and whatnot, and now it will be confirmed!”, said a photographer in Austin, TX. Of course, there are plenty of fears. “Some things are kept confidential because they will cause massive public hysteria,” said Adam Patch, a student in Columbia University. “I believe that sometimes, unfortunately, ignorance is bliss, and making the sensitive intelligence available to everyone in the world will cause more harm than good.”

In other news, a businessman from Abu Dhabi told our sources that should Google successfully complete these takeovers, he is considering a bid of thirty quadrillion US dollars for Google and its new acquirements.

Stanford Reaches an Admissions Milestone

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:48:31 +0000

Stanford, CA – On a recently released admissions record for the 2008-2009 application season, Stanford swept aside all previous selectivity record by any university in the world by reaching a negative acceptance rate of -1.5%. “This is a great achievement for any selective university in the world and is a testimony to the quality of our student body,” said Mr. Richard Shaw, who is the Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid at Stanford. “Our condolences are with all who have been denied admittance into our great university.” Indeed, out of the 14 million students across the world who applied to Stanford this year, equal to the entire population of Seoul, 16.1 million students were denied acceptance to Stanford University. Another employee of the Stanford University’s Admissions Office, who declined to be identified, remarked, “When you’re denying more students than that have applied, it is not hard at all to make decisions on who to accept and who to deny. What is hard, however, is how to hire all the people needed to write the rejection letter to 16 million students.” Students around the world were mixed in their response. Max Chester, a student from St. Stephen’s Episcopal School in Austin, Texas, confusedly said “I guess I can’t complain when everybody in the world and their mothers got rejected.” Jane Doe, from Hicksville, Missouri, said “I didn’t even apply and got rejected! I don’t know what to think!” Mr. Shaw did say, however, that the negative acceptance rate is not likely to persist, however. “This year represents a significant challenge to the seniors this year,” said Mr. Shaw. “With a sharp increase in the number of seniors applying to colleges and everybody having A’s and B’s, it’s no wonder that our acceptance rate has dropped so low. I’m sure after this challenge, the Class of ’09 can go on to overcome any difficulties.”

In other news, statisticians around the world have even more reasons to be confused as Seoul National University reported this year an unimaginable acceptance rate of 3i %.